It's Only a Dream
by Sena Rae
Summary: Lorelai's Journey to Luke
1. Chapter 1

1It's Only a Dream

After " In the Clamor and the Clanger." Lorelai's journey to Luke.

Consider it disclaimed.

"Why do you care?"

"I care."

"Why?"

"Because I don't want you to move."

"Why? Why don't you want me to move?" Luke snarls sarcastically.

"I just don't," I shout.

"Why?" he shouts back.

I won't even tell myself the answer to that question. And HE wants an explanation. We don't go there. We've never gone there. DENIAL has always been in capital letters between us. I feel angry and antsy and unbelievably sad. He does not want this. He doesn't want my honesty. I so seldom give it to him anyway. It's usually tucked behind the sarcasm and humor. What can I say to him. That I'm insanely jealous of Nicole. That I've been unhappy since I came back from Europe and found him married. That he was supposed to wait for me forever.

I turn quickly to leave, but he's not giving up that easily this time. He catches up to me and grabs my arm, spins me around. I can feel his strong but gentle grip.

"You're not running away this time. I want a reason. I want to know what you're thinking," Luke asks determined..

I see the anger in his face and I don't blame him. I'm pushing it. I'm pushing him. I'm butting into his life. I want to make him angry. Somehow even his anger feels like something. What is wrong with me. Defeated, I just stare into his eyes.

"Don't Luke, please," I whisper.

I see the anger in his face being replaced by confusion and then compassion. Somehow he always sees inside me. He's ultimately the one person that I can't really hide from. I know what he's asking for. Doesn't he know that it's too much. I look away before he reads my mind. He takes a step closer, runs his hand down my arm. His determination is frightening. I can feel his breath on my hair as he leans in and says softly, in merely a whisper.

"Why?"

His gentleness has always been my weakness. Why can't he continue shouting? I can handle the angry ranting Luke. But the gentle Luke has my eyes misting, my body trembling. His hands make gentle strokes down my arms as he tries to unconsciously sooth me. He's trying to let me know that our argument is over. That he's not angry at me anymore.

He drops his hands and I know he's going to take that step back. He always takes that step back when we get too close.

He starts to move and I clutch at his jacket, unable to stop myself. I don't want to let go. I don't want him to leave. It's quite and dark in the church. We're totally alone, and we're seldom alone. A feeling of longing has swept from my toes to my head. With a groan I blindly search out his lips. With a moan I softy run my tongue across his. With an ache so acute I wrap my arms around him, bury my head in his neck and let the tears fall.

And before I can stop myself I find myself whispering in his ear:

"It wasn't supposed to be like this."

The sudden ringing has me rolling, grabbing the alarm and landing soundly on the floor. Laying there looking up at the ceiling I'm shocked awake. Why do I always dream about Luke after we have a fight?

It hurt. When he told me he moved to Litchfield it hurt, and I didn't see it coming. Not the move or the pain. I thought we were friends. Friends tell each other things. At least where they are living. I remember when I told him I had few people who would always be in my life. People that I would always be there for, that would always be there for me. I thought _he'd_ always be there for me. I thought he'd always be _here_ for me. I don't want him to move. I don't want him to move on. Selfish Lorelai.

But he didn't really move did he? Thus the fight. Ahhhhhgghhg! Things are not good with Nicole. He really didn't need me to point that out. What did he say in the driveway? Everything is not always about me.

I smile, as I remember the dream instead of the argument. I kissed Luke. Well, I kissed dream Luke. All very dramatic of me. Rory would have so much fun with this dream..

I can hear her now, "You are secretly in love with Luke. Told you that the last time."

"Wrong answer."

"You are seriously addicted to coffee, and are terrified of losing your daily fix."

"Well, I knew I was terrified of losing something. That must be it. I really have to cut down on the coffee."

I climb off the floor and get ready to face the day. I owe someone an apology.

Getting out of the jeep I plant my good morning Stars Hollow smile on my face and head to the diner. When he looks up and the door bells chime, I know he's not expecting me. Thank God he looks relieved.

"Hey, gotta have the coffee."

"Coming right up."

Lorelai, did you hear the bells this morning? I keep hearing the bells and everyone says that someone broke the bells... I think it's the tinitus," Kirk asks.

"No Kirk, I haven't heard the bells," I answered.

Luke approaches with my favorite cup.

"So... the truth is out there, isn't it," I smile.

"Scully and Mulder?" he questions with a shake of his head.

"Hey, I thought I'd die my hair red, and get all brainy. You could walk around

looking confused and geeky. What do you say?"

"I like your hair the way it is."

"Hey, Luuuuke."

"Yeah."

"We ok?"

"Yeah," with a slight smile.

"You're ok?"

"I'm fine," a little grumpily.

"I need to tell you something. Apologize."

"You don't have to do this Lorelai. It's ok."

"No, it's not. You were right. Everything is not always about me. I wasn't respecting that you're in a relationship. That you're trying to make a relationship work. That you're that guy. That commitment guy. I should've respected that. I do respect that. I won't but into your business again."

"Yes you will," he smirked.

"You're enjoying this."

And there it was - that smirk. The one I had been waiting for. Hey I've spent most of our relationship mocking him about one thing or another. I certainly deserve that smirk.

"A little," he answers. "I'm so seldom right."

I can't help but grin. His smirk turns into that rare smile and I can feel the blush rising in my cheeks. He looks at me with confusion, but I just shake my head and laugh to myself, at myself. Humor restored.

"So, when are you moving the diner to Litchfield?" I quietly heckle.

"Go to work, Lorelai. I'll see you tomorrow," he answers gently.

"Just checking."

As I walk out the door, I know everything is back in it's place. All's right with my world. After all - a dream is just a dream. Right?


	2. Chapter 2

1

"_It's just, in the last few weeks, we've been having some cash flow issues. Oh, this is hard," Tom said._

"_Are we not paying him?" Sookie asks frantically._

We're running out of money remodeling the Inn and I just haven't been able to face it. I can't do this alone. Sookie's so busy with Davey, Rory's in school and I'm so tired. Sookie says to ask Luke and it looks like I'm going to have to. He'll be honest with me. If it's too much to ask, he'll say so. I can always depend on Luke to tell me the truth, no matter what. I asked him to dinner tonight. I'm going to ask him to invest in the inn. Very professional. It's a plan. I have a plan.

Then everything just started falling apart. I didn't get my hair cut. I went to my parents. I couldn't hide from Gran. Somehow my plan of asking Luke to bail me out just sounds pathetic. I'm failing and I don't know what to do.

Walking down the street towards Luke's that same chant keeps running through my head ... I'm failing... I'm failing.

"_You know, there are very few times in my life when I find myself sitting around thinking, "I wish I was married," but today, I mean -- I'm happy. You know? I like my life. I like my friends. I like my stuff. My time, my space, my TV"_

"_Yeah, sure," Luke replies._

"_But every now and then, just for a moment, I wish I had a partner, someone to pick up the slack. Someone to wait for the cable guy, make me coffee in the morning, meet the stupid sink before it gets sent back to Canada." _

"_I just thought I had everything under control, but I didn't, and the inn is just falling apart. This has been my dream forever, and I have it, and it's here, and I'm failing."_

"_YOU ARE NOT FAILING."_

Lying in bed, I'm too tired to sleep. It's not that often that I have a complete meltdown. I was taught by the master, Emily Gilmore. Never show your true feelings and above all never let them see you cry. She's one tough broad, my mother. She keeps the feelings from showing with the stiff upper lip, disapproval, disdain. I on the other hand, always found humor to be the panacea for pain.

I can usually keep it together. Keep the wonder woman facade in place. Lorelai Gilmore - able to leap tall building at a single bound. No, that's superman. What did wonder woman do? Oh yeah, fictional character. Almost forgot.

I sobbed all over Luke. I admitted failure. I sure failed the Emily Gilmore handbook tonight. Now Luke, he's seen me cry. Somehow it's never too hard to be weak in front of Luke. Luke's like a rock. Steady. Safe. Honest. When he tells me I'm not failing it's so easy to believe him. It's like he knows something that no one else does...how it's all going to turn out. Reassurance. That's what I needed tonight, and that's what I got. Reassurance. Somehow he's become that person I can turn to. The one that always believes in me. That friend. That best friend.

This is not the first time Luke's offered me reassurance or listened to my failures or watched me cry. It's not the first time that he calmly told me what the future holds - like he has a crystal ball.

My eyes drift shut hearing his voice, "You are not failing."

And I'm lost in a dream. . . .

"_This is the second time I let myself do this." _

"_Do what?"_

"_Think I finally found it." _

"_Found what?" _

"_Love, comfort, safety." _

"_I just. . .I feel like I'm never gonna have it. . .the whole package, you know? That person, that couple life, and I swear, I hate admitting it because I fancy myself Wonder Woman, but. . .I really want it – the whole package." _

"_You'll get it."_

"_How do you know?"_

"_I know." _

"_How do you know?"_

"_Because I know, okay?"_

Luke slowly rounds the counter and approaches my stool. I swivel around and look up at him teary eyed. He slowly brushes a lingering tear off my check with his thumb.

"He wasn't the one."

I smile sadly in response to that line.

"You knew that when you were sixteen. You walked away but you didn't let go. Don't let yourself believe that you've somehow been robbed of a second chance. He's still not that guy. He's still not safe. He's still not careful or he never would have hurt you and Rory like that. Let him go." Rant finished.

"I wanted him to be that guy. I wanted..."

"I know. You'll get it. It's out there waiting for you. You just have to stand still long enough to see it."

"So, Mimi is it?" His attempt to lighten the mood appeals to my sense of humor. He smiles suggestively at me, attempting to flirt. "Going to be in town long."

Never one to not join in the game I answer back, "Only for tonight. I'm looking for a place to sleep. Do you have any suggestions?"

To my surprise he steps closer and puts his hands on my waist. "I have a few."

I'm fascinated by the look in his eye. Sure. Cocky. Irresistible.

His thumbs are tracing my stomach as he run his hands up and down my sides. I grab at his shirt suddenly feeling out of balance on my perch and he leans in to kiss my temple, my cheek, my neck. My eyes close and I'm focused on every sensation. His stubble rubs my jaw as he trails kisses down my neck to the vee of my dress. This is Luke. Lorelai can't be doing this with Luke. It's not right. But somehow I can't focus on why. Then I remember I'm not Lorelai, I'm Mimi. One night stand.

His mouth is everywhere but on my lips and I try to keep him still long enough to kiss. He pulls me from the stool running his hands down my hips pulling me close. He gathers my skirt as he pushes his knee between my legs rocking me tight against him. His hands are racing over me keeping me one step behind. Seducing. I tug at his hair trying to find his mouth. He has me moaning with the need to kiss him. He finally relents, brushing his mouth roughly against mine. I bite at his bottom lip wanting more, wanting to taste. His tongue teases mine briefly. It's not enough. Not nearly enough.

I hear the sound but I refuse to acknowledge it. Not yet. I don't want to wake up yet. Frustrated I turn and hit the snoose button. Mimi. She's a dangerous girl.

Luke. I really have to stop dreaming about Luke.


	3. Chapter 3

1

Our first date. I can't believe I'm this nervous. It's just Luke. I know Luke. At least I think I know Luke. I guess I don't know dating Luke.

"This thing we're doing here, I want you to know... I'm in, I'm all in."

"Are you scared?"

The words kept going through my head all the way back to the diner. Am I scared? I saw everything in his eyes tonight. The whole package. Love, comfort, safety. He's got it all. I always had the comfort and safety part. Luke has always been there for me. But the love... how did I miss that? Have I been that self absorbed? Or are his instincts right, am I scared?

He looked nervous tonight when he picked me up, but as the night progressed he just looked sure. He's trusting me with his heart. He's all in. He's gambling. Should he? I've never been that good at relationships. Something always gets in the way. I get in the way. I've rarely trusted anyone enough to let them know what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling. Chris - he never saw me weak. Max - he never saw me scared. Jason - he never saw me at all.

I know that Luke's seen more than most. He's been my friend, probably my best friend. He's seen me weak. He's seen me scared. He knows all my annoying habits. Is it enough? Can I trust him?

He pulls me out of my revelry with, "You want a beer."

"Sure."

We travel through the dark diner up to his apartment. We're alone. I've waited seven weeks to get him alone. Two kisses and seven weeks of phone play. He takes two beers out of the fridge and twists the tops. He hands me mine, and leans back against the counter taking a swig.

I sip mine. The cold feels good on my throat that's gotten suddenly tight watching him.

"Luke, I'm not scared," I declare.

He watches me for a moment, trying not to smile. I wonder what's going through his head.

Am I being funny? He walks to me, takes the beer from my hand and places it on the table.

Suddenly serious he asks, "Are you sure?"

He looks almost intimidating. Maybe I'm not so sure.

Gently he spans my waist, kisses my temple, my cheek, my neck. Rocking me against him, I'm caught in that dream, desperate for his kisses. Trembling I search for his mouth, instantly needy.

He doesn't disappoint. I've never wanted to kiss someone as badly as this. To taste, to touch, to stay this connected.

We undress each other slowly, lingering and touching. I'm used to setting the pace, fast and frantic and in control. He'll have none of that. His softly whispered, "You're not going to rush me," has me groaning. He's found my weakness in drugging kisses and whispered words. Soft seduction. He's seducing me and I'm letting him.

"Just let me have you Lorelai," whispered in my ear has me weak. He can have whatever he wants I think. His hands and mouth are magic and I'm completely under his spell. I've had men before but I'm not sure they ever had me. He has me. Totally.

His breathing is heavy in my ear as we come to completion and he rests his weight upon me. He tries to lift up but I've wrapped my arms around his neck so tight I won't let him move.

"Not yet," I whisper.

I have an unbelievable urge to cry - to just ball my eyes out, and I don't want him to know. Unable to stop, a few tears trickle down my face and I laugh at my own vulnerability. He'll want to know why I'm crying, and I have no idea why.

"Lorelai, look at me."

Leaning on his elbows he gently wipes the tears from my face. He's not surprised by them. He seems almost awed, somehow honored. He kisses me until the tears are forgotten.

Luke's arm is tight around my waist. I can hear his even breathing behind me. I'm sleeping with Luke, and it feels so right. So safe. So comforting. So loving. I drift into the dream...

"Would you like to dance?"

I can feel the cool summer air on my skin. Every nerve ending is alive as I place my hand in his and we start moving to the music. My skin feels hot where his hand touches my waist. We tentatively move to the music and my nerves make me laugh. This is Luke and Luke can waltz. I feel happy. He pulls me closer and his steady gaze has me feeling hot. Luke can waltz. Dirty.

He twirls me around and suddenly the sun is shining. I look down at my dress and it's white, and flowing and Luke looks so handsome in his tux. We twirl and twirl to the music staring into each other's eyes. I see then what I saw so long ago when he told me he was "all in." I see the love.

I look back at him wanting him to see the love in mine but he begins to fade and I reach out to grasp him but the daylight is turning to night and I can't see him anymore.

Restlessly I awake in the dark, disoriented. The dream comes back to me and I reach for his arm holding him close - not wanting him to fade away.

I've fallen in love with Luke and I'm scared.


	4. Chapter 4

The dream always starts out the same. . .

"Would you like to dance?"

I can feel the cool summer air on my skin. Every nerve ending is alive as I place my hand in his. My skin feels warm where his hand touches my waist. We tentatively move to the music and my nerves make me laugh. This is Luke and Luke can waltz.

He twirls me around and suddenly the sun is shining. I look down at my dress and it's white, and flowing and Luke looks so handsome in his tux. We twirl and twirl to the music staring into each other's eyes. I see then what I saw so long ago when he told me he was "all in." I see the love.

I look back at him wanting him to see the love in mine. I begin to say the words but I can tell he can't hear me. I'm shouting now but still he can't hear me. He slowly shakes his head and I can't feel his touch anymore. He's fading away and I reach out to grasp him but he's gone...

"Luke, don't go," I whisper in the dark.

I wake up shaking, reaching for him, trying to wake from the nightmare. He's not here. He's not coming back. It's too much. I'm too much..

I've always been too much work. Haven't my parents been telling me that for years? It's too hard to understand you Lorelai, it's too hard to support you Lorelai, it's too hard to love you Lorelai.

I practically moved in with him, insisting on staying over even when he had to get up early. I wanted to be with him. I never wanted to be without him. I wanted too much.

I wasn't honest with him. I lied to him about Christopher. I didn't trust him. I hurt him. I hurt him too much.

I never told him. I never told him I was all in until he was walking out the door. Why couldn't he tell? Why couldn't he see it? I thought I let my actions speak, damn it. It wasn't enough. I should have told him. I didn't trust him enough.

I should have warned him about Emily. He wasn't prepared. I should have known better. I let them embarrass him. I didn't protect him enough.

Too much... not enough...

It's been week's since the breakup. Rory's got a new guy. Sookie's ready to have kid number two. And me, I have cats coming to the house again. I curl up on the couch ready for major movie crying night. It's just you and me Judy and the men that got away.

When the doorbell rang I didn't expect it to be Luke. When he grabbed me for the first kiss he almost knocked me off my feet. I never wanted to let go, but reason and sanity set in quickly.

"Luke, you can't just . . ."

Kiss number two was softer, slower, sweeter and I clung for a moment trying to just drink in the sensation of having Luke here. I could feel the tears forming but I was determined not to cry.

"Luke, please, I need to know what you're thinking?"

As soon as the words came out we both froze in place. Remembering the last time I asked him that. Remembering the last time he answered. I closed my eyes against the pain, bracing for his answer.

He rested in forehead against mine, holding me close. I'm sure he could feel me shaking.

"ALL IN means... no matter what."

"But Luke, you were right, there will always be something. My mother. Rory. My life isn't simple. I understood the too much. I did."

"No matter what. No matter who. No matter why. I'll never walk away again."

"I want to believe that. I need to believe that."

Curled up in bed with Luke's arm around me I feel content, safe.

"Luke, I'm ALL IN."

"No matter what?"

"No matter what."

I'm going to enjoy our middle."

"Yeah, me too."

"I've been having these dreams."

"Twins, again?."

"No, nightmares kind of. We're dancing, first at Liz's wedding, then it turns into ours. We're happy. We're smiling. We're dancing. Then you just start fading away. And I can't see you or touch you, you're gone and it's dark and I'm alone...and..."

"Shhhh," he whispers kissing me softly on the temple. "I'm right here. I'll always be right here."

"Promise."

"Promise."

"It's only a dream, right?"

"Yes, It's Only a Dream."

THE END


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